Where Do I End and Where Does Someone Else Begin? Overcoming Fawning
Where do I end, and where does someone else begin?
Many who struggle with people pleasing often struggle with understanding healthy boundaries. This is a struggle for co-dependents or people-pleasers because they were taught from a young age to take on the needs and cares of everyone around them at the expense of themselves.
It’s not just denying oneself, it’s erasing oneself. I’ve written on this in the past.
Those who have experienced abuse or trauma may have learned that appeasing a threat by denying their own needs meant they could be “safe”. This is known as fawning. It’s a term that was coined by psychotherapist, Pete Walker who specializes in complex trauma.
Instead of fighting, fleeing, or freezing, this person learned to bend, contort, and twist themselves into pleasing the threat. In time, a fawner often grows into a people pleaser- reading rooms, watching for cues that others aren’t happy or are upset, and they will try to keep the peace at all costs out of fear. The fawner has learned if he pleases the threat, he won’t be the target of abuse.
In the real world, this can transfer into other relationships that don’t involve abuse. A person who has learned to fawn to feel “safe” makes them “safe” will translate this ingrained habit into healthy relationships. Until the trauma and abuse are addressed, this type of response isn’t a choice. It comes out naturally. After abuse from a parent, caregiver, or other close relationship, this person has learned this is the best way to avoid more abuse whether the relationships is abusive or not. Hiding is safer than showing up as your true self.
Examples of fawning may include saying “yes” when you really want to say “no”. It can be taking on more responsibilities out of a fear of rejection or punishment from another person. It can be erasing your needs to meet everyone else’s until you are exhausted or become a skeleton of your true self. Fawning can also include denying your own believes or values. It can include rescuing or enabling others to avoid conflict. In the back of a fawner’s mind, it’s about keeping the peace at all costs- even if that cost is yourself.
Personally, I have struggled with all of these examples at various times in my life. In the times I have fawned or hidden myself to avoid conflict and keep the peace, there’s always a deep-rooted sense of shame and anger that come out later. It’s this mix of feeling angry for not sharing the true parts of myself, but then also feeling like my true self isn’t worth sharing. All of it is twisted and often comes out in an emotional mess.
It’s a lie that’s stemmed from all the times I was rejected by the person who was supposed to care and love me for me. As a child, I wouldn’t feel safe, valued, or loved unless I conformed to who this person wanted me to be. If I expressed a part of myself this caregiver didn’t approve of, I was shamed, ridiculed, or worse. Without my realizing it, fawning became my natural response to conflict.
For a child who grew up in a home where they were threatened or belittled for not meeting an abuser’s demands, that child twisted and contorted themselves to appease the abuser. It’s easy to see why children in this type of environment become adults who struggle with low self-esteem, depression, substance abuse, and other mental health conditions.
But for those of us who have learned to fawn, we are not without hope to change. It’s often a thorn in the flesh we will struggle with, but thanks to Jesus we have truth that can lead us on our healing journey.
When we know the truth about our worth, we begin to see ourselves and the world differently. Our eyes are opened to what is toxic and what is healthy despite what we may have learned or what we see in society. We can overcome our natural ingrained trauma response by seeking Christ to create healthier responses from our true worth and not the lie we’ve believed for too long.
Overcoming Fawning
First, recognize when you do it. Ask: Did I respond a certain way to please another person? Did I conform to what someone wanted in order to feel “safe”, or did I express myself the way I wanted? This may be a great time to set aside a journal entry at the end of the day and reflect on your conversations. When did you show up as your authentic self and when did you contort to please someone else?
Secondly, know your value. You are a human-being made in the image of God. You are loved, valued, and you were created with a specific purpose that is unique and different than anyone else that’s ever existed. That’s pretty crazy, and cool! God didn’t create us to be copies of one-another, He created us to be our authentic-selves with unique gifts, talents, abilities, and ideas that He’s bestowed upon us. Not everyone is going to like everything about us, and that’s okay. God values you and loves you, and He wants you to know that above what others think.
Next, seek healthy relationships. It’s hard to learn to un-fawn when you are constantly around people who belittle, threaten, or de-value your worth, values, or opinions. Take the time to evaluate: Who listens to me? Who makes me feel seen, heard, and known? Who doesn’t use my vulnerabilities against me? These are most likely the healthier relationships you need to come into your true, authentic self. And if you don’t have any close relationships like this, it’s time to start seeking them out.
As we keep seeking Christ each day, He will continue to show and direct us to the parts of ourselves that are broken and need healing. We don’t have to conform to the patterns of this world, but we can be transformed and renewed by Jesus Christ (Romans 12:2). Old, toxic patterns can be broken in His Name.
Do not conform to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is- his good, pleasing, and perfect will.
-Romans 12:2
Additional Resources:
Understanding Fawning by Psychotherapist Heather Lyons
Understanding Co-Dependency & Fawning by Psychotherapist Pete Walker
Overcoming People Pleasing Article
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