Being Known: True Connection Starts with Empathy
Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.
-Colossians 3:12 NIV
It was late spring of 2020. I found myself alone most days caring for my then 2- and 4-year-old. With mass confusion on what was safe or unsafe during the COVID pandemic, we had to get creative with what to do around the house. For many young families like ours, it quickly became isolating and overwhelming.
At the time, my husband also worked 12–18-hour shifts almost six days a week as a first responder. With escalating violence across the nation, many first responder families never knew what the day would look like for our loved one out in the field. Not to mention, there was so much hate on social media, I had to completely get off for my mental health. While many seemed to have opinions about events and circumstances they didn’t fully understand, there continued to be little room for respectful conversations, listening, or empathy. The loneliness and lack of support seemed to only grow with each day.
At one point, I remember trying to share my burdens with a particular individual. I explained how I was exhausted taking care of two young children. I shared how I barely saw my husband, and it was difficult seeing so much hate toward first responders through the news and social media. It really felt like we were alone in the middle of this pandemic.
As I shared all this, it felt good to get all the built-up fear and frustration off my chest. I needed community. It felt good to talk with someone face-to-face, as I was looking for a bit of empathy or understanding in the midst of chaos.
Sadly, that wasn’t what I got. Instead, the person responded with,
“Well, how do you think women on the Oregon Trail survived? Don’t you think they had it hard?”
Dumbstruck, I wasn’t sure what to say at first. My chest tightened, as I found myself getting defensive, and I responded with,
“Well, at least they had their husbands to help them, and they weren’t doing it alone.”
Looking back, I don’t think that was the best response. I’m sure I should have pointed out how this person’s words were hurtful, and how I was looking for some encouragement in a difficult time. But my pain only escalated with their words. I was silenced. When I desired encouragement, I was met with a reply that told me, “Your experiences aren’t as bad as someone else’s, so why are you complaining? Suck it up, buttercup.”
Do I Always Show Empathy?
I’m sure many of us have been in a conversation just like this. We open our hearts and share our struggles, as we look for connection, understanding, and encouragement. Instead, we’re left feeling emptier and alone.
Like me, you may have left a conversation like this wondering,
“Why do I even try to open up to other people? No one cares or understands. I just feel lonelier than I did before.”
Sadly, I can admit I’m guilty of being dismissive of other’s circumstances or feelings at times, too. I know there’s been occasions where my husband has shared about a difficult day, and I’ve dismissed his feelings. Thankfully, he usually points this out to me (or I recognize it), and I apologize. It’s not always easy to put ourselves in others’ shoes, but it’s essential for true connection. We can be in a room full of people, but if we don’t feel seen, heard, and known, we can feel completely alone.
It’s important to have the closest people in our lives be willing to show compassion and empathy. That doesn’t mean those people aren’t willing to correct us, but they are willing to “walk in our shoes”. We see this in Jesus’ very example of leaving his throne in heaven to live as a man amongst sinful men. Jesus not only walked in our shoes, He shows compassion to the lost, the hurting, and the sick.
Carry Each Other’s Burdens
In Matthew 20, we see this demonstrated when Jesus passes two blind beggars. As the two men shout to Jesus, many in the crowd try to quiet them. I’m sure the crowd assumed Jesus was too busy, or these men weren’t important enough for Jesus’ time. The beggars didn’t listen to the crowd. They continued to cry out to Jesus. Their faith pushed them to keep seeking Christ even when there was opposition- even when no one else seemed to care. And while Jesus was busy, He still made time to stop and care for these two men. He showed empathy, compassion, and care in their time of need. They were no longer alone, they were seen, known, and loved.
God desires us for us to have deep connections with people who truly see us, know us, and love us. In building relationships on a deeper level, we learn to carry each other’s burdens, or lighten the load for those in our circle. Carrying each other’s burdens not only draws us closer to Christ, it deepens our connections with others.
Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ.
-Galatians 6:2 NIV
Your Needs Are Not a Burden
The deepest and closest relationship we can have with anyone is with Jesus. But God didn’t just design us to be in relationship with Him, He created us to be in relationship with other human beings. Because of sin, our connection with others can be difficult. But like the blind beggars in need of healing, we are to keep seeking after Jesus for our every need. When we need deeper connections to others, we need to cry out to Jesus for it.
Maybe there are people in your life right now who don’t try to understand you, who dismiss your needs, or who brush aside your hurts. If these individuals continue to do this even after you’ve brought it to their attention, it may be time to build healthier connections. While we can forgive people who minimize us or hurt us, we will continue to feel lonely if we keep opening up the vulnerable parts of ourselves to only be met with dismissal or indifference.
Some important questions to ask yourself when evaluating your closest relationships are the following:
- Who makes me feel heard and appreciated?
- Who willingly listens without judgment?
- Who draws me closer to Christ?
- Who owns their actions and takes accountability?
- Who doesn’t use my vulnerabilities to harm me?
- Do I have people close to me who can relate to my season of life and circumstances?
It’s important that we continually bring our relationship desires and needs before God. He ultimately knows exactly what we need, and He can bring wisdom into our hearts on where to seek out the healthiest relationships and where to step away from unhealthy ones.
You are not a burden, and your needs are not a burden to God. We were created for relationship by a loving God who sent His very Son down for us so that we could be restored to the Father. Keep seeking after God for healthy, life-giving relationships.
Summer has flown by, and I can’t believe fall is just around the corner! Below are a couple snapshots of the beauty in our area.
Thank you for your support, and keep seeking God in your health and relationships! If you found this article helpful, be sure to share it with someone or subscribe to the blog: www.FishFullLife.com. I’m also now on Instagram: @AmberJohnsonFishFullLife
Photo by: https://www.pexels.com/@gustavo-fring
Photo by National Cancer Institute on Unsplash
Photo by Rosie Sun on Unsplash