An Honest Journey


When there is a fight between your heart and your head, experience has taught me that the best thing you can do is pick up your Bible and remind yourself of what God says.

Christine Caine.

Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

Psalm 91:1

So take a new grip with your tired hands and strengthen your weak knees. Mark out a straight path for your feet so that those who are weak and lame will not fall but become strong.

Hebrews 12:12-13

“I don’t know what to write,” I explained to my husband. “I’m so tired right now, my head feels cloudy, and I just don’t feel like doing anything. I feel I could sleep the rest of the day.”

At 4 in the afternoon, I couldn’t think of anything else I wanted to do but sleep. This was after I had already taken a mid-afternoon nap.

My energy was drained taking care of a 2 and 4-year-old for many weeks with little rest. Things had been organized and then disorganized. Projects were continuing to be done during this quarantine, but my brain was no longer functioning well.

Each week felt like a roller coaster.

“Why don’t you try to do some exercise?” My husband had pulled out our oven and was cleaning underneath it, diligently making sure to get any crumb or dust bunny out from its hiding place. “That may get your creative juices flowing.” I was thankful he was home, not working a twelve-hour shift today, and yet I still didn’t feel like we could get the real rest or reset we needed.

He noticed me looking out the sliding glass doors, “Is it…” I couldn’t finish my thought.

“You’re going to ask me if it’s raining outside. Yes, it is. Hard.”

We had an indoor bike in our basement that I had been attached to for a while, but I just wanted to get out. I was beyond thankful for the ability to exercise and to have somewhat of a break to do so, but I didn’t want to be in the house.

Every mom knows that no matter where you may be, your children will find you. Mentally and emotionally, I just needed to physically be apart from everyone. I needed a break.

Battling my indecisiveness, I replied, “I’m going to run. I don’t care about the rain. If it gets to be too much, I’ll just turn around.”

With my running hat on and the earbuds placed snuggly inside my ear, I set out. The rain was lightly beating down on my nylon, long-sleeve jacket and leggings. Drops of rain brushed right over the bill of my hat and onto my face, but in a weird way I felt freed.

I was doing something most people would try to avoid. But I needed to get out, even if it was just for twenty minutes. There’s something beautiful about the heart pumping, the body moving, and just being with God. Releasing and realigning my thoughts and prayers to Him. It’s freeing.

Rain started pounding down harder. The air was warm and the drops of water were cool on my skin. I rolled up the sleeves on my jacket to feel the drops hitting my forearms and wrists.

On the corner of Main Street

Just trying to keep it in line

You say you wanna move on and

You say I’m falling behind…

“The Killers” continued to play in my ears, as I breathed in deeply, turning to see the rain beating down on the lake water near the road where I was running. A car or two passed but no one else was outside in the heavy rain.

I was alone.

I needed it in this strange way during an already isolating quarantine.

Two little ones fill my heart to the brim with love, but they also continue to push me beyond my limits some days.

Switching on the TV one too many times in this quarantine, I feel guilty or maybe a bit fearful about all the media they are consuming.

My brain is overwhelmed with all the constant decision-making while adjusting to the lack of choices and very little time to myself. I’m beyond grateful when I can get it.

There’s constant pulling in each day.

…being productive verses not doing anything at all.

…turning on the TV one more time for my children verses finding another activity.

…sitting and playing with my children verses cleaning around our home.

…getting out verses staying in.

…working on educational activities with my children verses letting them free play.

…being creative verses sitting, reading, or observing creativity in others.

…speaking out verses staying silent.

…tuning in to more news or leaving all that turned off.

It’s draining and sometimes overwhelming.

This pulling isn’t new. It’s always been here. Before the quarantine, before COVID-19.

Maybe it just wasn’t as visible or severe.

And now, it is.

Driven to the surface.

My children bring it to light with their physical, emotional, and spiritual needs.

There have been days where I haven’t sought God in this pulling. I’ve pulled up my bootstraps (or my mom pants), and tried to keep it all in line. But God was patient with me. Gently showing me that something needed to change. I needed to rely on Him in the big and little decisions (and indecision) each day.

When feeling overwhelmed or indecisive, I need to stop and realize that this is a signal. I need to turn these thoughts over to God, and demonstrate that to my children. Show them that Mommy needs God just as much as anyone else.

God provides…

Direction where there seems to be none.

Certainty in a world where uncertainty reigns.

Truth when the world screams at us from different directions.

Peace beyond our understanding or what this world can provide.

And Rest. Rest that renews our spirit and fills our bodies with true life.

I need that reminder daily.

And maybe this pulling, restlessness, and uneasiness in an uncertain time is pulling all of us a little more than we’d like.

God wants us to look up for hope.

He’s always fully available.

As my clothes clung tightly to my skin, I slowed from my run to a walk. Soaked, I decided to turn off the music.

I thanked God for that moment, for that time of release.

Listening to the rain, I plopped one wet shoe in front of the other wet shoe. Birds that were nestled in the trees were loudly chirping.

The buds from the trees were full and round. Their large heads peeked just slightly open, ready to burst, almost ready to bloom.

And here I am, 4 in the morning, writing in the quiet that I can find.

As I turn over this new day to God, I know He wants me to turn over all these anxious thoughts and indecision.  I’m reminded of Who He is and who I am because of His Great Love!

Photo by Tobias Tullius on Unsplash

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