What Am I Doing With My life?

“I’m trying to figure out what I’m doing with my life,”

I laughed as the words left my mouth, but in all reality, I was serious.

As I spoke to my friend, I joked about my indecisiveness and uncertainty for the days and months ahead. I was and am still uncertain about “what I’m doing with my life”.

Really, I’m doing a lot. And yet, I feel I’m not doing much at all or just “not doing the right thing”.

I’m being pulled in different directions all while transitioning out of a different stage of life. It’s confusing and a bit disorienting. While that may sound silly, I feel myself being in an odd “stuck” stage.  

Slowly, I’m coming to accept that the diaper days and waking up in the middle of the night to feed or soothe a baby have passed (unless God has other plans). I was trying to convince my husband to go for a third for a while, but he is well set on just two children. I’m content, and if that’s what my husband feels is best for our family, then I can be satisfied with two children. I’m grateful for the life we have and God’s many blessings.

As I sit writing this, I have a soon-to-be Kindergartner this fall (how did that happen?!), and a 3-year-old who is becoming more independent each day. It’s crazy how quickly time flies. It’s such a cliché saying, but it’s all too true.

Honestly, it felt like those diaper days and sleepless nights would last forever. I’m still in awe of each transition that brings a new human being into this world. God truly equips women to take on so much physically, emotionally, and mentally with childbearing and then caring for a child. It’s a huge sacrifice, and so much harder than I ever expected it to be, but it’s also been so rewarding. My children are still young, and it’s still a challenge, but a different one from those early days.

My life has quickly evolved into new routines and patterns, as I find I have a bit more freedom than I used to during those baby days.

This summer, I had the amazing opportunity to train and do an open water 2.4-mile swim. It was absolutely fantastic! I forgot how much I enjoyed swimming, and it was such an amazing gift to experience the newness of open water swimming. I will admit that not being able to see the bottom of where I am swimming does freak me out! But when I was in the race, I was so distracted by other swimmers and my surroundings that it didn’t bother me. Whenever I would get nervous or scared about the “unknown”, I would repeat Joshua 1:9 in my head, “This is my command- be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

As I go forward with more freedom and still trying to “figure out my life”, it’s a bit like going into that deep, unknown, open water for the first time. I’m scared, excited, and find myself overthinking often (this is a terrible habit of mine). I don’t want to waste the precious time God has given me on worthless pursuits.

But like the training for my open water swim, God has equipped me with the right tools and “life training” to take on whatever comes next. Even if I can’t fully see or understand what’s next, He has prepared me for it, and I am to continue to trust in Him through the days ahead.

I have the freedom to make decisions for my life, and I am to honor God with those decisions, “So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God” – 1 Corinthians 10:31.

While it’s hard feeling stuck and uncertain about “what’s next”, I will continue to turn over my indecisiveness and uncertainty to the Lord. He is always faithful and full of grace.

Thank you, God!

Photo by Susan Flynn on Unsplash