Stop Poisoning Your Peace: The Narcissist Doesn’t Care About “Working Things Out”
“Why don’t you just talk to them?”
“I’m sure you just misunderstood them. You’ll work it out.”
“Well, you must have done something wrong, otherwise that person wouldn’t have done that to you.”
Do any of these responses sound familiar?
To those who have dealt with narcissistic abuse, you’ve probably heard these responses when you’ve tried to get advice or explain what’s happened to you. In healthy relationships, most people do put in the effort to make amends when they’ve hurt a loved one. They will genuinely apologize and attempt to change their behavior.
In contrast, someone on the narcissistic spectrum doesn’t care about “working things out”. They only care about conformity and maintaining control in the relationship. They may apologize for their behavior, but it’s often only to woo you back in; it’s never a genuine apology, and there’s no repentance for the behavior. Narcissists take advantage of those who believe they can work things out by explaining, changing their own behavior, and those willing to give up their personal peace to accommodate them and their toxic habits.
Sadly, those stuck in toxic cycles with a narcissist are often sucked back into the relationship out of familiarity or from the pressure of friends or family. Instead of holding the narcissist accountable for their behavior, the family or friends pressure the victim to stay in the relationship and “behave better”, “ignore their behavior”, or “talk it out” with the belief that both are willing to put in the work to mend the relationship.
But narcissists don’t care about working things out.
Here’s what people often don’t understand about narcissistic relationships:
1) They Believe Admitting Wrongdoing is a Weakness
The narcissist sees genuinely apologizing or admitting wrongdoing as a weakness. You may be thinking, “Well, sometimes I have a hard time apologizing for wrongdoings, too”. And to a certain extent, we do all struggle with this on occasion. But when someone makes a pattern of this behavior, it becomes toxic. They are so afraid of facing the darkness within themselves, that they instead project their insecurities and lies onto others. They expect others to accept their atrocious behavior because they believe it’s a part of their personalities instead of seeing it as a toxic habit or sinful behavior.
Oftentimes, these individuals are so afraid to face the truth because that would mean they have to admit wrongdoing and repent. Their ego is too fragile and too proud to look in the mirror and face reality, so they try to change or warp reality altogether. They might play the victim, gaslight, triangulate others, deflect blame, or completely lie about what happened so that you or others are left confused about the reality of the situation.
Really, it’s just sad.
Fearing a “loss of control”, they do whatever they can to manipulate a situation to remain on top and to avoid accountability. Genuine repentance would actually begin healing them and their relationships, but they believe it would weaken them. As human beings, we all must face the darkness within ourselves and turn over our sins to the Lord in genuine repentance in order to be healed. Change only comes through Christ. Unfortunately, toxic individuals see submitting to anyone other than themselves as a weakness, therefore they do whatever they can to “maintain” their image or power.
“Fools mock at making amends for sin, but goodwill is found among the upright.” -Proverbs 14:9 NIV
2) Explaining How You Were Hurt Won’t Change Their Behavior
For many who get stuck in toxic cycles with a narcissist, you believe if you explain yourself enough, or if you change your behavior, the narcissist will eventually change, too. In healthy relationships, people genuinely feel sorry when they’ve hurt others, and you may carry this belief over into a relationship with a narcissist.
But, someone on the narcissistic spectrum sees their toxic habits as something that needs to be accepted, or as a part of their personality. They see you as the problem for pointing out their wrongdoings, and they don’t see the need to change.
Instead, they will do whatever they can to mask or create a glittering image that looks good to the outside world instead of addressing their toxic, sinful behavior. They care more about how the outside world views them than how their closest family or friends view them. In their closest relationships, they don’t want to put in the work to make the relationship successful.
And no matter how much work you put into a relationship, if the other person is unwilling to come to the table to work on it too, there won’t be any lasting, healthy change.
You aren’t responsible for someone else’s repentance. God has to soften that person’s heart, and they have to be willing to change. When a person turns more into themselves, rejects correction, and continues to push God out, the Lord gives them over to what they want- a life without Him.
While we can create boundaries in an unhealthy relationship, or distance ourselves if needed, we aren’t responsible for changing someone’s behavior when they refuse to reflect and acknowledge wrongdoing. When you continue to put yourself in toxic situations to try and “get someone to understand”, it only poisons your peace.
“Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but whoever hates correction is stupid.” -Proverbs 12:1 NIV
3) Guard Your Heart. Guard Your Peace
God created us individually with different thresholds of tolerance, and sometimes what one person can handle, another can’t. In some cases, a person may be able to maintain their peace when they simply limit time with a toxic individual. In other circumstances, a person may need to completely detach from someone in order for God to come in and heal them before having more contact with a toxic individual. And other times, someone may need to permanently step away for the health and safety of themselves and/or family.
This is where we need to seek God in prayer and continue to go to His Word for discernment. It may also mean asking wise counsel to come alongside us. Only Jesus can show us what is best in our situation and for our needs. It’s important we remain close to Him, seek after truth, and walk in the truth He reveals to us.
Not everyone is going to understand our situation or agree with our choices, but when we seek after God, He will give us proper guidance in navigating toxic relationships.
Let’s continue to seek after Him for peace, hope, discernment and pray for those who are far from Him.
“With their mouths the godless destroy their neighbors, but through knowledge the righteous escape.” -Proverbs 11:9 NIV
Additional Resources:
God Says Stop Helping That Toxic Person: Kris Reece YouTube Video
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