The End Of A Hiatus & God Lifting The Veil To My Mother Wound

Friends and readers, thank you for your patience as I took a summer hiatus to spend quality time with my family. I’m slowly getting back to writing and trying to squeeze in time when I can! It does help to have my kiddos back in school.

               My summer has been full of adventure with my kids and husband. My husband and I just celebrated our 10-year anniversary over Labor Day weekend. I can’t believe it’s been 10 years- truly a blessing from God as we’ve been through highs, lows, sickness, and health. We were able to get away for the weekend without the kids which was a nice treat.

               Over the next several weeks, I will be working on my articles related to Jesus responding to difficult people and circumstances. My next article will discuss “Flattery”. If you haven’t already, be sure to check out the other articles written back in the spring:

Article 1: False Accusations

Article 2: Tempted to Believe Lies: Misinterpreted Scripture

Article 3: Cross or Comfort: Misguided Advice & Opinions

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God Lifting The Veil To My Mother Wound

               As summer dwindles away, I’ve been reflecting on how mentally straining it is to be a writer. As someone who writes quite frequently on mental health, toxic relationships, abuse, and where we can find these topics in the Bible, it sometimes feels odd, too revealing, or narcissistic in itself to share my personal experiences related to these topics.

               But at the end of the day, my writing is not about me- it’s about God. Writing has been an opportunity for me to teach, encourage, and share in order to build up the body of Christ in truth. And God is the One who has equipped me to write on these difficult topics through experience, study, and wisdom from the Bible.

               While my brain is often stretched and strained, and my heart feels like it’s out on the table for all to see and take a stab at, I know God is doing something beautiful in this process. Through this platform, I’m thankful to those who have left encouraging comments, advice, wisdom, and Bible verses related to these difficult topics. I hope that my story, and what God has done and continues to do through my life, only equips and encourages others to lean into Christ and know that you’re not alone.

               When I was initially navigating the narcissistic abuse of my past, it felt as if I was alone. I knew I wasn’t alone, but in my mind, it felt like no one could relate to what I had gone through. I didn’t know many people who could relate to a covert narcissistic mother. Most people couldn’t wrap their mind around a mother who verbally, emotionally, and sometimes physically abused me to keep me in line, who shamed me, and tried to keep me “little” in order to control me.

               Looking back, I hold no ill-will towards those who may have said something that didn’t really help but actually hurt me. I now understand, those people just didn’t get it. They couldn’t relate to or understand a narcissistic mother. I often got the advice, “Just talk to your mom and work it out; I’m sure she’ll understand,” or “You both can work it out because your mom loves you,” or “You’ll just have to put up with it because she’s your mother”.

               Little did many of these people know, that’s the advice I had been given and taken for most of my life. It led to more abuse because my mom would “come around” for a while and then go right back to the same toxic behavior. In her mind, she didn’t have to apologize because she was the parent and I had to stick by her. She could treat me any way she wanted because I feared losing her. It wasn’t a relationship; I had become her property.

               As an adult, it was hard for me to admit that what my mom did was wrong. From childhood, I had been trained to “make things look good” so that the outside world wouldn’t question what was really going on. I had always feared talking poorly about my mom to others. I really wanted a mom that I got along with and who I enjoyed doing things with, but something was never quite right. And I knew that from an early age. There was a blind, unrepentant, and insolent pride that went deep into my mother’s heart, making it impossible for me to truly have a healthy relationship with her.

               It wasn’t until I started having children of my own and after the death of my father that God started lifting the veil and showing me the truth. My mom wasn’t and most likely would never be the mom I wanted or needed her to be. What she did and continued to do was not okay.

               While my brain wanted to reject the truth because it was too painful, God wanted me to continue to lean into Him to see the relationship for what it was. For too long, I had shoved down the pain of my mother wound. I had elevated my mom’s thoughts and words about me above God’s truth about my identity and value.

               With this realization, came grief. There was grief in recognizing that no matter what I said to my mother or how I phrased the past and present hurts, she would never understand, apologize, or change her ways. I had tried too many times to count. Her brain couldn’t go to the place of admitting she was wrong or genuinely repenting for what she had done. My brain had to accept the true person she was and let go of who I wanted her to be.

               Because of that acceptance, the only relationship solution for me was distance. I had to create space between her and my family. The manipulation, gas-lighting, and all-around toxicity were ingrained in my brain. Seeds of lies had been planted there for so long, and I had believed so many of the lies that I had to step away in order to evaluate it all from an outside perspective.

               When my dad passed away, my grief was understandable to the outside world. There was comfort from friends and family in that time of grief. But the silent and lonely grief that came after the dead relationship between my mother seemed even more painful- it was hidden grief that not everyone understood or supported. There was no outside communication, newspaper announcement, or social media posts to alert others about my pain. It was heartache that happened behind closed doors with only a few who understood.

               As someone who sometimes struggles with people-pleasing, when I was in that fragile, emotional state, it was hard to defend my decision. My mind was scrambled with wanting to cling to my mom. I didn’t want to let go, and there were those who pushed for me to “reconcile” with her. To some, my decision looked cold, self-centered, or narcissistic in itself. But God had directed me to take that step of faith and create space for His thoughts to clearly come into my mind. I needed His Word and guidance from those who understood what was actually happening. My brain had been so clouded with lies.

               Through the Holy Spirit’s guidance, I was reminded daily of my value to God by reading the truth of God’s Word. There was nothing wrong with my decision to create space in that relationship even if others didn’t agree with it. Space created clarity for me, and with that clarity, there was the peace of God that truly transcended my feelings or circumstances. I knew that even though I was struggling emotionally with the decision, I couldn’t live by feelings, I had to live by faith in where God had called me to go.

               While I forgive and dearly love my mom, forgiveness doesn’t mean putting myself back in the same toxic situations (especially with my own children). Sometimes the most loving thing to do is to allow others to face the consequences of their actions. My hope is that my mother will one day repent and draw near to God for truth and healing. Like all of us, the healing of our souls can only be found in the One who created and saved us- Jesus Christ.

               If you’re someone who is navigating a narcissistic relationship, please seek out proper counseling and therapy with someone who understands narcissism. Keep searching until you find someone who understands narcissistic relationships, and don’t give up if it takes a while to find proper counsel. You deserve to be heard and validated. There’s no excuse for abuse.

Photo by Caleb Woods on Unsplash