Ruptured to Restored Reality: The Power of Creating Space in a Narcissistic Relationship
“Well, at least you weren’t physically abused.”
For decades, we’ve heard this sentence used to invalidate those who experienced forms of emotional, verbal, or other forms of psychological abuse. This sentence told victims of abuse, “You didn’t really have it that bad if you weren’t hit”. It invalidated true abuse victims’ experiences. Any form of abuse is abuse. While physical abuse is extremely harmful, growing scientific research shows how damaging emotional abuse can be, and sometimes it is worse than physical abuse.
For those who grew up in narcissistic family environments, or who have been in a close relationship with a narcissist, you know how damaging these relationships can be on the mind, body, and soul. A narcissist will never admit wrongdoing, except to fake an apology to win you back over. They refuse to take accountability for their actions. Being in a relationship with someone on the narcissistic spectrum is exhausting. It doesn’t matter if you saw, heard, or experienced something firsthand, if it doesn’t fit the narcissist’s narrative, it didn’t happen. The mind games are endless, as you are accused of lying, misremembering, or misunderstanding their true intentions so they can always remain on top. They want you to distrust your gut, to let down your guard, and to be confused about what really happened so they remain in control. The narcissist is always the “expert on reality”.
If you’re in a relationship with them long enough, your discernment and judgment skills quickly go out the window. You receive the message repeatedly that your needs, your wants, and your life doesn’t matter as much as theirs. And if the narcissist isn’t “god of your life”, you suffer the consequences. This could be a physical, financial, spiritual, sexual, verbal, emotional, or psychological punishment, so that you quickly learn their love is conditional.
Narcissists often use false empathy, love-bombing, flattery, or their position, to build trust and slowly make you reliant on them, or they do this to woo you back into the relationship. It’s a confusing mind game where you want to believe they want what’s best for you and the relationship, but sadly, they only want what’s best for themselves.
It’s a cycle of highs and extreme lows to meet the narcissist’s ever-changing needs. This is especially devastating for a child who feels they must perform, bend and contort their true selves to be loved by a parent or caregiver. They deny their own needs and learn to people please, read the room, and bend to the needs of others so that they can be “safe”. Anyone in a long-term relationship with a narcissist eventually loses who they truly are and molds to who the narcissist wants them to be. An increasing amount of evidence shows how being in a close relationship with a narcissist actually causes brain damage.
In psychiatrist, M. Scott Peck’s national bestseller, “People of the Lie: The Hope for Healing Human Evil”, he explains how difficult it can be to even try and interact with these people from a psychiatrist’s point of view,
“The sicker the patients- the more dishonest in their behavior and distorted in their thinking- the less able we are to help them with any degree of success… therapists will not infrequently refer to a patient’s psychopathology as being ‘overwhelming’. We mean this literally. We literally feel overwhelmed by the labyrinth mass of lies and twisted motives and distorted communication into which we will be drawn if we attempt to work with such people in the intimate relationship of psychotherapy.”
Now imagine staying in a relationship with such a person. Someone who continually lies, distorts, twists, manipulates, and bends the truth at all costs because they’re too afraid to face the truth. They refuse to get help or admit their sins before God. Their life’s mottos is the same as a small child caught in a lie, “deny and blame”. Someone who continually chooses this dark path is turning away from God’s goodness and putting themselves in the place of God at all costs. They don’t care how it impacts others as long as their “image” remains intact.
Healthy people take accountability for their actions and behavior. Sadly, this is the biggest hurdle for narcissists because they see admitting wrongdoing as a weakness. They can blame everyone else or their circumstances for their behavior, but they can never take responsibility for their actions. Time and again they deny their humanness. In denying their human, sinful nature, they deny their need for a Savior. And because of this, it’s impossible for a narcissist to change unless they first recognize that they need to examine themselves.
If you are or have been in a relationship with a narcissist, when your eyes are opened to this toxic behavior, you will never see this person the same again. Many who have walked this road eventually understand there is no rescuing, mending, saving, or fixing that can be done to help this person. Space must be created for healing to take place. And while that space may look different depending on the circumstances within the relationship, it is needed. We need God to heal our minds, bodies, and souls.
The Power of Creating Space to Heal from a Narcissistic Relationship
“Evil is revolting because it is dangerous. It will contaminate or otherwise destroy a person who remains too long in its presence. Unless you know very well what you’re doing, the best thing you can do when faced with evil is to run the other way”
M. Scott Peck, “People of the Lie: The Hope for Healing Human Evil”
1) You Begin Seeking Truth from God Rather Than the Narcissist
The narcissist wants you fully relying on them for “truth” in all situations, but truth comes from God alone. When you begin stepping away and seeking God for truth- through His Word, in prayer, and by attending a Bible-based church, the Holy Spirit will guide you in how to navigate this relationship. This doesn’t necessarily mean going no-contact (although it can in certain circumstances), but this does mean creating space and time in your day or week where you are seeking God for wisdom in navigating this relationship. You’ll begin to recognize where you put this other person on a pedestal and where you left God off to the side. When you seek God for healing, you begin putting Him back in His rightful place in your heart and mind.
“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your mind and with all your soul and with all your strength”
-Mark 12:30 NIV
2) You Realize How Much Toxicity You Ignored
When you begin to seek God and create space in a toxic relationship, the Holy Spirit will guide you in recognizing the toxicity you ignored or overlooked for the sake of “keeping the peace”. You are not responsible for helping someone who refuses to change. If someone is continually choosing toxic and unhealthy behaviors, it’s not your job to “save” them. That’s the Holy Spirit’s job to convict them, and that person needs to respond to the prompting of the Spirit. While we can encourage someone in toxicity to make healthy steps toward change, if that person continually turns away from help and relies on you to meet their ever-changing emotional needs, that’s not healthy. You are only enabling them in their toxic behavior. The Bible even warns us if we continue to make this mistake of rescuing such a person, we’ll have to do it again (Proverbs 19:19). That’s because this person isn’t willing to get help, they are relying on you to “save them” or validate their toxic lifestyle. We will eventually be dragged down into their toxicity. When you seek the Lord, He will restore your clarity of mind. He will refresh your soul with the truth so that you will see the twisted lies of someone who refuses to get healthy and seek change. He will show you when it’s time to create space or completely step away.
“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is- his good, pleasing, and perfect will”
-Romans 12:2 NIV
3) Your Emotions May Be Dysregulated, But You Are Still Healing
It’s completely normal to feel overwhelmed when creating space in a narcissistic relationship. You may even experience withdrawal-like symptoms because you’re used to drama, being constantly on edge, or anxious around this person. Peace in your heart and mind is an odd concept. I remember feeling this way when I realized I didn’t need to be around the drama, gaslighting, and constant mind-games as I stepped away from an unhealthy relationship with my mother. When you’re alone with God, and you turn your emotions over to Him, He will give you peace. That’s not to say you won’t need additional help in navigating your emotions through therapy, support groups, pastoral care, or medical assistance, but God will provide peace that is beyond your full understanding because it comes from Him. He will help you to recognize it isn’t healthy to keep someone close to you who can’t take accountability for their actions. Starting to regulate your nervous system and seeking clarity comes from seeking God. And by seeking God, you’re creating space for Him to work in your life.
“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus”
-Philippians 4:7 NIV
While the narcissist isn’t beyond God’s saving grace thanks to Jesus, he/she must seek God and turn away from the darkness. Yes, we can continue to pray for this person, but it is dangerous to remain close to someone who continually calls good evil and evil good (Isaiah 5:20-21).
God wants you to walk in truth, and it starts by creating space to hear His voice. We have a loving Father who never leaves us or forsakes us no matter how hard the road may get. Who we are around, and our environment truly plays a role in our brain’s ability to adapt and change. That’s great news for those who are seeking to heal from narcissistic abuse. Continue to seek the Lord and the truth of His Word in your healing journey.
“Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm”
-Proverbs 13:20 NIV
Photo by MarYaM Izd: https://www.pexels.com/photo/reflective-art-broken-mirror-and-sculpted-bust-30581053/
Thank you for reading, supporting, and continuing to encourage me on this book writing journey. I appreciate your prayers, and I’m hoping to finalize my manuscript before the end of my kids’ school year (May 2026).
I am also on Instagram if you’d like to follow me there: @AmberJohnsonFishFullLife.
Keep seeking God in your health and relationships!
There is so much truth in this post. I like how you include faith in God in it. That is so important in regaining our true identity in God. I was fortunate to have a Christian therapist who walked me through the healing process with both Spiritual and practical guidance. Thank you for sharing what you’ve learned. It’s validating to read someone who truly understands the challenges of these relationships.
Thank you, Chris. I’m glad to hear you got help through a therapist. That definitely helped me on my journey as well. Though it’s hard to share these experiences, it’s good to know we are not alone in them.
Powerful. <3
Thank you, Anna. God bless your week!
Amber, this is an incredible post about a subject that really needs to be addressed in the open. For far too long this has remained hidden behind the stigma attached to abuse victims, and I’m glad that you are calling attention what has become a very serious problem.
There are untold numbers of people who suffer continually at the hands of narcissistic husbands, wives, teachers, bosses, and even pastors. I have personally witnessed narcissistic business leaders hold those below them hostage to their whims. As one such individual said in a meeting, “I want to hear everyone’s thoughts on the matter, and then I’m going to tell you what we’re going to do”.
I have also witnessed narcissistic pastors who have become delusional, drunk under the authority they’ve been given over the flock. After confronting one such individual over his iron fisted power trips, I left that church and never looked back.
Thank you, Ron. Yes, it’s a difficult subject to talk about, but an important one, as you noted. I’m glad we now have more vocabulary and the ability to discuss narcissism and it’s affects on society and the church. As you know, it’s nothing new. It’s especially concerning when we see it in the church, and that is why discernment is key in knowing how to respond to it. And sometimes that means fleeing evil! I’m sorry to hear about your experience. God bless your week!