Going “No Contact” with a Parent as a Christian: What You May Not Expect (The Good & The Hard)
Six years ago, I made the difficult choice to go “no contact” with my mom. Those who have wrestled with navigating toxic and abusive family relationships know how hard it can be to step away. It’s easy to fall back into accepting the “known” toxic behavior of someone close to you when it’s familiar. It’s even harder to step into the “unknown” place of healing- especially if you’re doing it alone. That journey to healing not only takes work, but it’s also accepting and recognizing that not everyone will understand or support your decision. Choosing to create space in a toxic relationship entails a slow re-wiring of how you view relationships, God’s love, and how you interact with others.
For many who have chosen to step away from an unhealthy family relationship, the decision wasn’t made flippantly or lightly. That decision was made after years (if not a lifetime) of trying to make an unhealthy or toxic relationship work. And while we may love and care for that family member and understand that he/she is made in the image of God, it doesn’t mean there’s no accountability for toxic and destructive behavior. When we seek God for healing in our relationships, He will lead us to the truth about who to hold closest to us.
And while that healing may not look like a restored relationship, it can look like a changed understanding of what healthy and life-giving relationships look like moving forward. Jesus came to set us free from the lies and false beliefs we’ve accepted about ourselves, whether those beliefs were ingrained since birth or absorbed over time from our environment. When we turn our brokenness over to our Creator, He will begin to show us what true love looks like- both for ourselves and for others.
With that said, here are three things you may not expect when stepping away from a toxic relationship (both the good and the hard).
Some People Will Never Understand or Support Your Decision
Initially stepping away from the relationship with my mother, I was naïve to think that everyone would understand and support me in that decision. But the truth is, not everyone is going to understand or support your decision when stepping away from a toxic relative.
Oftentimes, individuals who haven’t done the self-reflective work to navigate their own trauma or past issues won’t comprehend why you are choosing to create healthy boundaries in a relationship. Instead, some will project their own fears, insecurities, or pass judgment onto your decision without fully understanding the toxicity of your situation. They may care more about upholding a false image of what they believe a relationship should look like rather than doing the inner work to attract, keep, and maintain healthy relationships. But as Jesus stated, the more we seek after Him, the more tension it will create in relationships where people aren’t seeking after Him (especially with family) (Matthew 10:34-37). And for those of us with children, who we keep close to us is important for setting an example to the next generation.
While it can feel like a sharp slap in the face to be shamed, judged, or ridiculed for your decision, know that you’re not alone. Creating space in toxic relationships doesn’t mean you’re a “bad person” or that something is wrong with you. It means you are finally seeking clarity and healing for yourself and for your future relationships. There’s nothing wrong with turning away from the noise and chaos to find peace and rest in God. We see Jesus do this continually- going to places away from people, choosing rest, and turning to God in quiet prayer in order to truly hear His voice (Luke 5:15-16, Mark 6:31-32, Mark 1:35). Jesus knew how to best use His time and Who to spend it with because He stayed in connection with the Father throughout each day. It’s important for us to stay close to God throughout our day so we know how to devote our time and who best to devote our time to.
As you draw closer to Christ, you may also be surprised how many people support you in your decision to create distance in an unhealthy relationship. And it may be people you didn’t even expect to come alongside you. I’ve had plenty of friends, family, and acquaintances over the last several years who have listened to understand and support me. Some of these people may not fully understand the dynamics of the relationship with my mother, but they recognize the choice I’ve made is between me and the Lord.
Many others have also opened up looking for someone who may understand what it’s like to navigate unhealthy family relationships. It’s validating knowing I’m not the only one struggling in this area. The Lord’s allowed me to share my experience with others to build up and encourage those seeking help, support, and validation in their experiences.
The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles.
-Psalm 34:17 (NIV)
You Will Begin to Discover Who You Truly Are
When you create space in a toxic relationship, you will begin to hear and respond to the inner voice you’ve shoved aside for so long. I remember feeling withdrawal-like symptoms to the constant drama and turmoil that often came when I interacted with my mother. The drama suddenly wasn’t there anymore, and it felt like something was wrong. My body and nervous system began changing, as I started realizing that drama and constant stress shouldn’t be the norm in healthy relationships.
When you are in a toxic or abusive relationship, it’s hard to fully see or understand who you are. Oftentimes, the parts of you the other person didn’t like, or had no interest in, were shamed or judged to where you felt insecure, or you changed who you were to fit their “ideal image” so that you could be “loved” and “accepted”. Over time, you turned off listening to your inner voice because you assumed you were always wrong and this person knew best. You lost yourself along the way, or you never fully stepped into the person God created you to be. For some, this resulted in people-pleasing, crippling indecision, or anxiety as an adult.
Creating space to find your own voice is important. When you initiate going to God’s Word, you will begin to see who you are. You’ll start showing up as your true self and not who someone else wants you to be. This isn’t something miraculous that happens overnight- it takes time. And it’s important to remain patient and gracious toward yourself in the process of healing.
But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness and into his wonderful light.”
-1 Peter 2:9 (NIV)
You Will Still Grieve
Years later, I am still grieving the lost relationship with my mother. That initial grief looked like a lot of crying, doubt, fears, and emotional dis-regulation. But now, my grief has turned to sadness with a strange inner peace and acceptance. I’ve had to accept my mom for who she is and not who I need(ed) her to be for all these years. I still love her and desire what’s best for her, but I cannot keep her close.
When we turn over our relationships to the Lord, He will bring to light who we need to keep close and who we need to keep at a distance. Those unwilling to do any self-reflective work hold a spiritual blindness, unwillingness, or inability to see that their hearts are hardened toward their toxic behavior. And ultimately, their hearts are hardened toward God. These individuals are unrepentant and unwilling to address the harm they’ve caused or continue to cause others, and they are unwilling to make healthy changes. They see their toxic behavior as something that needs to be accepted by others (as a part of their identity) rather than something they need to work on and change. This ultimately brings grief to the relationship.
In the end, it’s not one person’s job to try and be the “savior” in the relationship- only Jesus can do that. And it takes a humble, softened heart to make room for Him to do the necessary work.
Fools mock at making amends for sin, but goodwill is found among the upright.
-Proverbs 14:9 (NIV)
Yet, while there’s still grief, there’s even more hope. Our hope is not tied to who we are within our family or any other earthly title, our hope is tied to Christ. When we put our trust in Jesus, we understand that ultimately, God works everything together for the good of those who love Him. And while we may not be able to see the full scope of our hardships or where these toxic familial relationships will end up, we can trust in a God who is Love. He left heaven for us, died for us, and rose from the grave so that we could be reconciled to Him. He cares for us and desires to walk with us amidst the chaos of difficult relationships. He is the true Healer and Restorer for our broken hearts.
When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”
-John 8:12 (NIV)
Additional Resources for Navigating Toxic Relationships:
Does Going “No Contact” with a Parent Mean I’m Sinning?
Shaneen Megji: What the Bible REALLY SAYS About Going No-Contact with Someone
Life Update:
August has been a busy month for our family. I battled two different illnesses, we had a family camping trip, and my husband and I were able to get away for an overnight. We celebrate 13 years of marriage in September!
My kids are now happily back in school (yes, they love it!), and we’re enjoying a more consistent routine at home. I look forward to more days focusing on writing and getting back to book writing. Thanks for your prayers and support on this journey. You can support me by subscribing to the blog and following me on Instagram: @AmberJohnsonFishFullLife
Keeping seeking the Lord in your health and relationships!
Photo by Pierre Jeanneret on Unsplash
I confess just the phase “no contact” triggers me a little. Because my heart is broken for at least two friends who have fabulous healthy relationships with all but one of their adult children, but that one child, in each case, has gone “no contact.” I realize nobody knows what happens/happened inside a family, but in both these cases the (grand)parents enjoy full and happy contact with all their other kids and grandkids, and in both cases the other kids say the “no contact” kid is messed up. One case appears to be the kid joining some sort of weird church that apparently is known for encouraging this behavior. The other appears to be a troubled young woman who had “recovered memories” (I thought that had been largely debunked, but here we are). I am so heartbroken for my friends, who are walking with Jesus through the pain. That being said, we have to protect our children from abusive/toxic people and it’s tragic when that includes family members. Having seen this situation, too, I know that healing may come down the line (way down the line) when the grandchildren are no longer children. Or it may come earlier. Jesus may get ahold of your mom’s heart and I pray that He does.
Hi, Diane. Thanks for taking the time to comment, and I’m sorry to hear about your friends’ lack of relationship with their children. Family relationships can be very complex, and I pray that your friends and their children will seek Jesus in their healing. He ultimately knows where to meet us in the heartbreak of difficult relationships. This post is directed toward adult children who have stepped away from abuse related to narcissistic parents. If you’re unfamiliar with narcissistic parents and how they treat their children, I highly suggest looking into the “scapegoat” verses the “golden child” and also looking into the effects of narcissism on adult children. The Bible is very specific about confronting those who sin and abuse power (on our own, bringing others alongside us, and then taking it to the church), and if that person chooses to remain unrepentant, we are to distance ourselves from them (Matthew 8:15-17). That distance will look different depending on the relationship and the type of wrongdoing. God’s Word is also very clear about staying clear of those who claim to be apart of the church but continue to practice evil (Proverbs 16:17, 1 Corinthians 5:11). Sometimes that does entail adult children stepping away from parents who continue to deny, blame-shift, and fail to take ownership of toxic and unhealthy behaviors. Only God knows each person’s situation, but it’s dangerous to assume that an adult child is automatically in the wrong for creating space. What a family projects to the outside world may be completely different from what happened behind closed doors. We can only hope and pray that each person involved is seeking God’s Word, healthy Biblical teaching, and proper support and care in healing.
Families can be so complex. I was that child in my family, the difficult one. Always considered to sensitive and a drama queen. In reality I was acting out of extreme trauma caused by preverbal s*x abuse. It took years to unpack why I was such a mess. My family only saw that but never questioned nor entertained why I was like this. If this child of your friends is the only one to act like this in a family it’s highly likely there is deep trauma and abuse they are struggling with. There not always false memories more likely repressed ones. God bless
I’m so sorry to hear this. I’m glad you recognized this, and I pray God continues to guide you in your healing journey. Thank you for being transparent and sharing your story to help others understand and heal. You’re not alone. 🙏
Dear Amber, your words have a depth and maturity that clearly come from the difficulties you have personally experienced in your relationship with with your mother, coupled with your deep relationship with the Lord. I know that this “no contact” decision was not arrived at lightly.
While my experience is very different than yours, something you said has spoken to me. “It’s not one person’s job to be the savior…only Jesus can do that.” For me, I relate it to my efforts to say the right words and give the best advice to my son who is making some poor choices. Only God can change him and I need to trust God and pray for God’s intervention. It’s easy to feel that we hold the key to a person’s change.
I love the picture of you with your cup of water It reflects a quiet peacefulness.
Blessings to you as you walk this difficult road with Jesus at your side.
Thank you for your kind words, Denise. I will keep you and your son in my prayers. I’m glad you’re seeking the Lord for guidance and trusting in Him during this difficult season.
Thank you, Amber, for writing this very difficult post. I have lived this, and continue to do so. When I became a Christian, I lost my entire family. My older brother and sister, as well as my two younger sisters abandoned me because they didn’t want to be around someone who was so “different”. Worst of all was my mother who could never accept the “new me”. The hurt never completely dissipates, and I have had to forge ahead knowing that as you say, we cannot change others. Still, I would choose Christ over all if I had to do it again.
Thanks for sharing, Ron. I’m sorry you have gone through something similar, too. This is exactly what our message was on at church today, and it definitely hits home. The cost of following Jesus is difficult but worth it. (Luke 14:25-35 )
May the grace and mercies of God forever keep you and cover you on this journey. Blessings always.
Thank you, friend 🙏
This post is spot on and so informative. So much of it resonated with me as I’ve pushed back on the verbal abuse from narcissistic family members. The healthier I’ve become the more evident is the dysfunction and refusal of others to address past trauma. I love how you bring Jesus into the picture. He has been the reason I was able to survive the intensified attacks as I pushed back on the abusive behavior. The journey to healing has been very difficult, but it has deepened my faith in Jesus. I grieve for family membwho choose to remain stuck in their disorder rather than choosing g healing. Thank you for sharing what you’ve learned. Blessings.
Thank you for sharing, Chris. I’m sorry you’ve experienced that abuse within your family. I’m glad to hear Jesus has helped you walk in that healing journey. It’s so important to keep our eyes and hearts on Him to continue to heal. And you’re right. It’s so hard to see family continue to choose toxicity over the hard but necessary work of healing. We can only pray. God bless!