Craving To Be Known
Growing up, I considered our family to be more “cultural-Christians” than actual Christians. We attended church here and there, but sports took priority. Purity in my mind was having the approval of family, upholding an image of perfection, prioritizing what others thought of me, and conforming to who they thought I should be. With this heavyweight placed upon me, I remember being deeply confused and lost. I loved being active and participating in sports, but my conformity and performance seemed more important than who I was as a person. I felt I wasn’t good enough just being myself. I had to earn the approval of others.
This lie affected much of the relationships I had in my youth. I worked hard to look as if I had it all together, trying to please those around me. I often got comments that I was the “good girl,” but inside I was anxious and scared of criticism. I was terrified of standing up for myself for fear of being disliked by friends. I felt shame for who I was and for not living up to the distorted standards of perfection in my mind.
While I craved a relationship with God, I didn’t really take the initiative to seek Him out. I felt I had to “get my life together” before I was good enough for God. Instead, I continued to seek approval from friends and family and was often afraid to set healthy boundaries. It felt like I wasn’t in control of my own life because I was looking for constant validation.
Looking back, it was clear that I craved real love- to be known, but I was looking in all the wrong places. Thanks to a car accident in my early twenties, God propelled me in a new direction. Instead of hiding my shame and guilt, I put it all before Him. I wanted healthier relationships, and I was tired of people-pleasing and living up to impossible standards. I knew I was missing something, but I didn’t know what…
Thank you for reading, and be sure to check out the latest content at Marked Ministry magazine for the month of March as we “Reflect on Purity”: www.markedministry.com