I Don’t Feel Good Enough: The Performance Lie

Late this past spring, I started training for a half-marathon. With the summer months ahead of me, I wanted to enjoy God’s great outdoors, get my blood flowing, and keep my body strong and healthy. In my late twenties and early thirties, I easily ran under 2 hours for the 13.1 mile race, and I was hopeful I could do it a fourth time now at the end of my 30s.

Fast forward to race day, after all the summer training, the hills, and the heat, I felt ready. Despite being sick twice during my training, and my daughter fighting off a cold the week of my race, I was hopeful I would do well. The big day came, and I ate a good breakfast, had my coffee, and felt somewhat awake during those early morning hours. Happily, I connected with two of my former-college swimming teammates who also decided to do the half-marathon race. With the training behind me, and the miles ahead of me, I was ready to go.

As that starting gun went off, my nerves and excitement heightened. And within the first few miles, the doubts, negative self-talk, and fears began setting in…

Did I train enough for this?

What if I don’t finish?

What if I don’t get under 2 hours?

I should be faster than this.

Why do I have to walk a bit?

I feel like such a failure already.

I wish I could say I was able to push those negative thoughts and emotions away, but they stuck with me for most of the race. Crossing the finish line at 2 hours and 1 minute, I should have been thrilled to accomplish what I did, but I was disappointed. I did the best I could on that day with the training I put in for the race, but I still didn’t feel good enough.

Deep down, I believed I didn’t deserve to celebrate or feel proud of myself because I didn’t get under 2 hours.  The deep seeded lie, that I thought was in my past, was still clinging to my heart. I believed my self-worth was based on my performance and how I appeared to others. This lie taught me that the slightest flaw, failure, or mishap could deem me unlovable or unacceptable. If I wasn’t perfect or at my A-game, I wasn’t good enough. I was a failure.

For many of us, this lie is often reinforced out in the real world.  We’re told we need to prove our worth through what we know, who we know, how we perform, or through our accomplishments. And those who are less intelligent, simple, mundane, or low performing are considered less than.

But God doesn’t see us how the world sees us, and His values are far different than the world’s values. Our successes, failures, and everything in-between matter to God, but they do not define us. We are valuable to God because we are His. And the love He holds for us cannot be taken away based on how we perform or what we produce.  

What We Can Remember When We Don’t Feel Good Enough

Our Value is Not Based on What We Produce

God doesn’t place value on us based on what we put out into the world. God loves the grocery cashier with down syndrome as much as He loves the greatest mathematician in the world. The Lord loves the starving child in Ethiopia as much as He loves the most well-off human beings on the planet. The Lord values us simply because we are His children.

When I think of my own children, and the love I have for them, I don’t love them because of what they do, I love them because of who they are. And the love God has for you and me is far greater than any earthly love we will experience. As human beings, that’s hard to wrap our brains around, but it’s true. God loves us simply because we are His.

While God does want us to use the gifts, talents, and blessings He’s given us in this life for His glory, He also knows we’ll succeed, fail, and do everything in-between with what He’s given us. And He’s with us in every part of that journey, but the journey or what we produce doesn’t define our value.

Jesus ultimately defines our worth.  

For great is his love toward us, and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever. Praise the Lord.

-Psalm 117:2 NIV

Come to God in the Highs & Lows of Life

Living in a fallen world, we should expect highs and lows throughout our journey. Some things we work hard on will fall flat, others may succeed greatly, and still other tasks or plans may not even come to full fruition in our lifetime. And sometimes we fail and feel great and other times we succeed and feel terrible. Our feelings are fickle. While our feelings matter, how we perceive ourselves or our circumstances doesn’t dictate our value.

We can look at each experience, and the feelings that come with it, as an opportunity to draw closer to God. Whether we are in the depths of despair, experiencing the highs of a triumph, or somewhere in-between, God wants to walk with us in it.

Our Creator desires an intimate relationship with us since He knows everything about us and sees all that goes on throughout our days. How much joy must it bring God when we come before Him in prayer or seek Him in all circumstances? God provides wisdom and peace that is often beyond our understanding. When we come to Him in the highs and lows of life, He will meet our every need.

The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth.

-Psalm 145:18 NIV

Remember Your Why Behind What You Do

Our whys behind what we do should never be to give glory to the self, nor should our “whys” define our self-worth. In all we do, we are to give glory to God and enjoy Him forever. We are to do the best with the gifts, talents, and resources God has given us, and the rest is in His hands.

Somewhere on that 13.1 mile run, I lost sight of my why. I went from enjoying God and the abilities He’s given me to feeling I had to prove my worth. When we feel those doubts and lies creeping in, it’s what we do with them that matters. Turning to God through His Word and prayer, He transforms our thinking, renews our minds, and reminds us of our worth (Romans 12:2).

Each of us is a beloved child of God. When we forget who we are or get bogged down by earthly weights and pressures, let us look up to our loving Father who will gladly remind us of who we are, and Whose we are.

Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought with a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

-1 Corinthians 6:19-20 NIV

For me, this probably won’t be the last half-marathon I’ll run. With that said, I know I will look at any future runs differently. I am thankful for the abilities God’s given me, and I want to use those blessings to the best of my ability, knowing that they don’t define me. They are simply beautiful gifts from our wondrous God.

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I am still working on my book, so I will not be on WordPress or posting as frequently, but I will respond to your comments when I see them. Thank you for your continued prayers and support on this writing journey.

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Photo by Steven Lelham on Unsplash