Breaking Free from Guilt and Shame

I remember the summer of 2012 was hot and humid. I had just wrapped up my second year of teaching and turned 26 years old that July. That summer, I excitedly prepared for my September wedding, as I worked as a swim coach at the local pool and nannied for a couple of elementary-aged children. I remember being so appreciative of where God had brought me in that time.

Just two years prior, I was barely able to walk, and was hired on as a new teacher in a new city far away from everything and everyone I knew. Starting the school year a couple of months late due to my accident, I was thankful to be out of bed, and no longer using a walker. While it was difficult being away from everything and everyone I knew, it was a blessing. God used that car accident to put a halt to my life. He began breaking through the destructive environment, thoughts, and habits I had developed in my early years.

While I appreciate all that my parents provided for me in my younger years, my childhood was fraught with busy schedules and high demands. From a young age, my life revolved around sports. By my middle-school years, I was waking up around 4:15 am for swim practices, rushing to school for a full day, and then heading back to the pool again for another 2-3 hour practice. Not to mention, I always had homework to do before going to bed and doing it all over again.

Weekends were filled with athletic activities and our family barely had time for church. Looking back, I wish I would have had a better connection with my family. We were often too busy to have important life conversations. How we appeared on the outside was most in important to my mother. We (her children) needed to be good at sports and to stand out in order to be somebody.

Often shaming and guilting me into making good decisions, I was labeled the good girl within our family. There was immense pressure to perform, to be liked by others, and to not make mistakes. The underlying message was always, others won’t love you or value you unless you please them. In my mind, my value became based on what I brought to the table, how I pleased others, and how well I performed.  

You can probably imagine where my college days headed after my teen years. After living in a very structured environment with shame, guilt, and perfectionism strapped to my back, I found solace in parties and alcohol and the freedom that came with not having my mother bearing down on me.

Surprisingly, or not, I did have more success in college swimming- I grew in confidence of my abilities and it showed in how I swam my races. I was encouraged and appreciated by my coaches and teammates, and I never had to come home to a mother who continued to shame and ridicule me. I began to see my gifts and talents and thrive in them.

While I had much success in the swimming world, the immense shame, guilt, and perfectionism haunted me in my relationships. I was consumed with people-pleasing and going with the crowd. I quickly found myself making decisions that really weren’t like me at all.  That immense guilt, and the voice, Look what you’ve done again continued to haunt me.

I remember praying God would forgive me and asking Him to help me change my ways. At the same time, I deeply believed He couldn’t forgive me. I felt too ashamed of what I had done, and so I continued with my lifestyle, hoping I would eventually change in an environment that only encouraged my poor habits.

During that time, my friendships were far from the best and ended up being very destructive. By the time my college years were finished, I found myself confused, disgusted, and alone moving out into the real world. Constantly wanting to please others, I lost sight of really understanding myself or what I wanted out of life. I cried out to God, but I struggled with feeling like He would only hear me if I would get my life together.  

But God did hear my cries, and by His grace, He used a car accident in the summer of 2010 to forever change my life. After my initial recovery back in my hometown, the Lord stripped away all my environmental distractions from college, my then-boyfriend (now husband) lived 3 hours away, and my family was 6 hours away.

God brought me to a new city where I truly was starting fresh with my first teaching job. And for those short two years away, everything began to change. I started going to church, attending Bible studies, meeting with pastors, and spending large amounts of time journaling and reading God’s Word. And I got baptized! That time of being on my own, separated from all that I knew, was truly a blessing. I needed that separation to really evaluate how I was living, and who I was living for.

But also during that time, I continued to struggle with guilt. I worried about how others would judge my past, and I judged myself for slipping up from time to time or sinning in ways where I felt I was beyond that now. I was a new creation in Christ, but I also felt the pull of the flesh and fell back into some old sinful habits from time to time.

But thanks to the pull of the Holy Spirit, I kept coming back to God. He had shown up for me in so many ways in those two years. And I continued to pray and ask for forgiveness, repenting of my sins. Slowly, but surely, many of those sinful habits have disappeared over the years. Praise God!

But if I’m honest, there’s still plenty that God is working on within me. And there are still times when I think,

Jeesh, Amber, how did you fall back into that sin again? Aren’t you above that now?

And while part of me does want to wallow and pity myself for how horrible of a sinner I am; I am reminded by the Holy Spirit to look to the cross. What Jesus did for me and you is truly enough. And what God says about us is true. We are loved by the One true God! And no one- not you, or me, is ever beyond God’s grace and mercy.

If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in them and they in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.

-1 John 4:16

I find Paul’s words in Romans so comforting, knowing that we are not alone in this back and forth between the flesh and Spirit at work within us,

So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind an making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who deliver me through Jesus Christ our Lord!

-Romans 7:21-25 NIV

Thanks to Jesus, our sins are forgiven! The Lord has swept them away (Isaiah 44:22). And while we will continue to struggle in the flesh here on earth, we can trust in what Jesus has done for us. When that guilt and shame come back to mind for past sins that we’ve already repented of, we can turn it over to the Lord. He will remind us that His Son has paid the price. He has forgiven. Being overwhelmed by guilt and shame should always bring us back to Jesus’ work on the cross. If we are becoming overwhelmed by these emotions, we need to turn to God’s Word and trust in what He says and not how we feel.

Take heart… your sins are forgiven.

-Matthew 9:2

God’s Word is trustworthy. Your sins are forgiven. Give your guilt and shame to the Lord. Repent and be changed by the power of the Holy Spirit to continue to live and serve our living God in joy and thankfulness!

Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners- of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life.

-1 Timothy 1:15-16

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I greatly appreciate those of you supporting me on my writing journey! While I am still blogging, I am devoting much of my writing time to working on my book- Jesus and Toxic People. I’m grateful for the time, energy, and perseverance God has given me to write this book. I continue to ask for your prayers, as God calls me to this challenging but rewarding work. I will continue to blog and post updates on my writing journey, but I may not be on here as frequently.

Thank you, and Happy Thanksgiving to my American friends!   

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Photo by Nina Uhlikova: https://www.pexels.com/photo/person-standing-on-hand-rails-with-arms-wide-open-facing-the-mountains-and-clouds-725255/